30 Funny Nursing Quotes

1) "Sorry your knowitall prescriptions have ran out. Looks like you are going to have to shut the hell up."

2) "So you are still having medical issues. huh? Maybe taking your medications on a regular basis would help. Idiot."

3) "Do not mistake my smile and professional body language for someone that cares. Really? I would have punched you in the face already if I knew I would not lose my job."

4) "So I am looking at the report. I see you scratched your pinky toe. That must hurt. I am glad you came to the ER to treat your injuries. Let's just push this stroke victim out of the way and commerce with your treatment."

5) "Modesty? Please! I am a nurse. I have seen more privates than army general."

6) "I am great at giving injections but I cry like a baby when I receive them."

7) "Get this. I patient peed on leg and told me in was raining. Seriously?"

8) "Your called with your colonoscopy. Good news. Your head is not is ass after all."

9) Nurses bond with each other. Like friendships. Like the 'you hold the ass chicks widen while I clean out the ass crack' kinda of love."

10)​ "One of my worst fears was realized on my first day at work. I realized watching all the episodes of ER would not get my anywhere. So sad."

11) "One of the new hires was wearing size 8 scrubs when she needed to be wearing size 12 set. Needless to say they were tight on her ass and hardly cover it. The scrubs would barely cover her hips. I do not need to see that ass crack if there is a code red in the ICU."

12) I remember on my first couple days on the job. I was talking care of a patient in the ER. His body was not being as responsive to the treatment as the doctor had hoped. He came back in and was running through theories and scenarios. Also tests he could potentially run. Then he left the room saying this.

"God I wish I was Hugh Laurie sometimes. This shit never happens to him."

13) "You know you are a nurse when the first thing that goes through your mind is to slip a little chemical in your bloodstream when your patient starting acting up and talking too damn much." 

14) "You know you are a nurse when people look you work with multiple times a week think you are a different person when you have casual clothes on. Yes. I do not wear scrubs everywhere "

15) "When my female patients start to wear make up again, I take that as a good sign."

16) "You didn't know. I am on the Nurse diet. No lunch or dinner. Ain't got time to eat."

17) "Whatever does not kill you will only send you to the hospital or keep you there longer."

18) "Next time you piss me off,  just remember I could be your nurse at your next hospital visit."

19) "Hey, before you talk shit about nurses, remember I stab people with very sharp objects. So beware."

20) "Save one person's life, you are savior or hero. Save two hundred, you are a nurse."

21)​ One of my fellow nurses was questioning a Doctor's opinions and orders. The Doctor said this...

"Do you know what the MD after my name stands for? Makes decisions.". The Nurses replies. "Do you know what the RN after name means? Resists nonsense!"

So funny.

22) "Do not worry son. You will be fine. Mommy is a nurse. You can only go to the Doctor or hospital if you are dying. They are expensive.  Okay?

23) "TMD. One of my favorite nurse practitioners actually used this diagnoses for one of her patients. TMD=Too many drinks."

24) "Be nice and grateful to your nurses, they prevent Doctors from killing you or making you worse."

25) "A body came in the morgue. The forensic pathologist immediately knew it was a nurse. Empty stomach. Full bladder. Strong calf muscles from walking s damn much."

26) "You know when you work back to back 14 hour shifts and you have not slept a lot. You go  to the bathroom and all of a sudden the toilet seems like a good place to o take a nap. Then your co workers hear you snoring in the bathroom. No bueno."

27) "It was slow on the night shift. My two patients would at least 20 minutes or so before I needed to check on them again. So I decided I was going to take a fifteen minute nap in the janitor's closet. That 20 minutes nap turned into 45 minutes.

My co workers began to look for me. The manager found me slumped over in a chair in the corner of the janitor's closet."

28) "Naps? What are these naps you speak of? Registered nurses do not have time to nap. Although I did wake up once with my head in my lap and no shoes on late into one of my  night shifts. Shit happens right? Haha." 

29) "Really? You went through a whole shift without eating or pooping? Congratulations. You can officially classify yourself a registered nurse. Let the good times roll." 

30) "Are you getting in fight with Doctors? Running through shifts while depriving your  body of food and bathroom break? Do you feel the  people you are taking care of are acting like assholes? You might classify as a registered nurse. Who knew."

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